Dating your exhusband

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If you were married to someone, then it’s not like you can just magically forget about the guy (can we hurry up and patent a pill for such a thing already?! But the good news is that there are ways to assist the moving on process so that you aren’t so consumed with thoughts of the person who formerly claimed the title of your husband. Most of us don’t have the luxury or financial backing to up and move to a tropical paradise in the middle of Fiji to recover post-divorce…and if you still reside in the house that used to be the love nest you shared with the ex-hubs, it makes it all the more difficult to forget his pathetic existence.But one step in the right direction is getting all of his stuff gone. One day, he is caring and loving and wonderful, and the next he is hateful and raging and mean. You are afraid to talk, or when you do talk you feel like you are never heard, your words are taken out of context, misunderstood, or blatantly ignored. In the beginning of a relationship they might seem like everything you ever wanted….usually this is because they are trying to act like everything you ever wanted. You have no support group and therefore your partner gains more power. He or she might be mean to people they think are “below them” or people who are defenseless, like babies or children. Like flipping a switch, he can change drastically from one extreme to the next. He or she acts one way when they are around you, but completely different around your parents, and completely different around their friends. Slowly, you lose your friends until you feel like your partner is the only person you have left. Your partner cycles from mean and vicious to sweet and loving, then back again. He might set traps for squirrels or rabbits and then torture them. It seems like your partner is two completely different people. Your partner finds faults with your friends or makes you feel bad or uncomfortable about any time you spend with other people. You want to believe that this is possible, but the cycle keeps repeating and each time your self-esteem is chipped away at, bit by bit. He might hit or kick your dog whenever he comes over. Each time he hurts you, he apologizes and promises that it will never happen again or that he will change. Your partner knows your weaknesses and he goes after your most vulnerable parts, hurting you where he knows it will do the most damage. You feel ashamed, lost, alone, confused, numb, afraid, crazy, stupid, ugly, fat, worthless, embarrassed, unloveable, wrong. Your partner tortures animals, is mean to children, or nasty to waitresses.The healthiest relationships are those which overflow with servant-hood and hearts of willingness.

If you’re in a relationship where, you are constantly the “strong one”, always giving and caring for the other person, it’s time to remind yourself: this is not a parent-child relationship.You deserve to receive and have needs just as much as the giver in a relationship of equals. But are your partner’s needs constantly being shoved to the forefront of your relationship?Have you ever heard the expression: How can beggars, with nothing to give, lend to anyone? If you’re in a relationship with someone who’s consistently acting like a beggar – it’s likely that your partner will cause your own well to run dry if you’re not careful. You might want to go to the movies–your partner will make sure you go out to dinner instead. He or she might even brag about the fact that they have left a trail of tears behind them. You might be terrified of what your partner will say or do if you tell them. He used to put you up on a pedestal…and now all he does is try to tear you down. From little things to big things, you feel like your partner never listens. They lie about things they don’t need to lie about. They can swear on their life that they are not lying. A healthy person is consistent in the way they treat people, regardless of their status. Your partner has a bad reputation or a tradition of “messy relationships”.

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